Dating in a City like "New York city" is a little (or a lot!) like joining the Flat Earth Society. But now, imagine the Flat Earth Society is located in McCalmont Township, Jefferson County, Pennsylvania. Close your eyes, if that helps. You get the idea - you're not just arguing that we don't live on an oblate spheroid, but you're arguing this from a rented conference room in a Day's Inn, say, in McCalmont Township, Jefferson County, Pennsylvania. Bagels and coffee are on the table. They're from Dunkin Donuts. You've got an hour before the Nieztsche Society comes in. They've booked it for noon. It's eleven. In the morning.
I’m exaggerating, of course. But between me and myself and my friends and, me, and my bros, I literally have enough material to write an article called “3.4028235e+38 Girls To Avoid In NYC.” Hmm, maybe I’ll have to make this a franchise, like they do out in LA, or in Netflix, and stuff (like Game of Thrones, etc.).
Guys, there is a largest number in the world. It's mathematically meaningless, but. Also, there's "Exception." It's a 2006 pop song by the Swedish starlet Ana Johnsson. So: cum grano salis. (Pun intended!) And gals: yes, guys can quote Latin phrases, too, there’s absolutely no dispute there. But I’m here to inform the guys. By all means, write your own article! Which is what I'm doing. Watch. Here. I'll do it. Wait. I'm confused. Is it two spaces after a period, still? Or not? That was not a pun, by the way. I'll err on inconsistency. Safer. Is that spelled right? Not "safer," but "inconsistency." Never mind, I'll find out later. We don't have an unlimited amount of time here.
So much without much further ado about much to-do about nothing much, here are 11 plus π kinds of girls you’re bound to encounter (and should avoid [if you encounter them {which you're bound to do}]) in New York City (a center of global power and, incidentally, home to David Gahan, lead singer of Depeche Mode). Speaking of...
1. The Depeche Mode Girl
The Depeche Mode Girl seems great at the start because she seems very nice, welcoming, enjoys good coffee, the outdoors, her dog (or cat, I'm not biased), and Depeche Mode. She might even mean well. But the things inside her that she's trying to hide by hiding them in an attempt to hide them don't take too long to surface to the surface of her self which is the layer that lies over that which she's trying to hide by layering it. Next thing you know: she's talking about David Gahan, lead singer of British electronic pop group Depeche Mode - and she will never, ever mention anything else. Not Syria, the price of gas, cellphone tapping, Supreme Court decisions, the Vatican, Kanye, sports, blood sugar levels. Only David Gahan. Nothing against David Gahan - how many baritones sing in octaves like that? - but it's a turn-off. There's just no excuse. You know this girl. Stay clear. Bid farewell. Remove yourself from this situation. You don't need this, bro. You don't deserve this.
2. The Needy Girl
This one is closely allied to the Depeche Mode Girl, except that she has no particular interest in Depeche Mode. She likes them, sure. But she likes other bands. Like the Depeche Mode Girl, however, she's female. Here's what happens. You meet her - on the street, in a bar, online, at work, in the classroom, doesn't matter - and you seem to get along. You may find yourself attracted to her, and she may find herself attracted to you. Pretty soon, you see her again. And then, pretty soon, you see her again – in a restaurant, in a cafe, at a bar, doesn't matter. And then pretty soon – now this is where it gets tricky. Because pretty soon she's calling you, on the phone – or emailing you, or texting you. Maybe she's asking to see “how you are,” or maybe she's emailing because she thinks you can “get together next week.” Or maybe she claims she wants to know “if you're free this weekend.” This kind of thing can get really creepy, really fast. Stay far away.
3. The McCalmont Township Girl
This type of New York girl actually doesn't even live in New York, at all, but in a township in Jefferson County, Pennsylvania. She probably watches the Lifetime Channel, might read the occasional romance novel, and - according to the “United States Census Bureau” (LOL) - lives in one of 462 housing units at an average density of 17.5/sq mi (6.8/km²). She might have a “job,” which she pictures as some type of activity executed in exchange for a fee which, in turn, can be exchanged for goods or services. Basically, the population spread of the township is the following: 25.7% under the age of 18, 6.9% from 18 to 24, 28.4% from 25 to 44, 24.7% from 45 to 64, and 14.3% who are 65 years of age or older. That much is documented on Wikipedia. But the point is - who knows if she'll be faithful? The median age's 38 years. Think again. It's not unusual for this type of girl to go “home” after work. And before you get all excited, remember that at “home,” she might page through a magazine, call a friend, cook dinner, or “order out.” Run, or be prepared for disappointment.
π. The Asian Girl
Look,
I'm not here to stereotype anybody here, okay? Let's just say that
the Asian Girl is a girl from - I'll refrain from naming the continent, but it's the largest one in the world. All I'm saying is - watch out. Keep your eyes open. She's the girl from the continent that has the most people. You know the one
I'm talking about. I'm just saying. It's a continent that's in the eastern and
northern hemispheres. It might be time to bail out. I'm not gonna
name names, but it covers a third of the land area of the planet, and
it's got 4.3 billion people in it. Ring a bell? Two thirds of
humanity is from there - including the Asian Girl. Don't be fooled,
bro. She's from there. It comes down to this: it just might be time to hit the road. Still can't guess what the continent is
called? Well, think of her first name. “Asian.” If you have any
doubts, best to get rid of it. Things don't always just "work out." She's from the continent with the
most diverse geography, governmental systems, history, and ethnic
groups in the world. Let's face it: if you don't want to deal, you
don't have to. You can always run the other way. There's still
another whole third of the population of humanity the other way.
Just don't run too far the other way, because then you'll be in it again. Christopher Columbus, anyone?
Don't be that guy.
4. The Insecure Girl
Like the McCalmont Township Girl, the Insecure Girl lives in New York, but unlike the McCalmont Township Girl, she doesn't live in Pennsylvania. There are lots of reasons that the Insecure Girl is difficult to spot. For one thing, every now and then, she needs reassurance that she's attractive. She also understands that healthy relationships require communication and honesty, which can be a little scary. At first, she'll seem normal - in part, because she's basically like every person in the “world.” The Insecure Girl can be so devious that if you call her cell, she might pick up and say "Hi" or "Hello." There's only one surefire way to identify the Insecure Girl: give her a genuine compliment. “You look nice tonight.” “That's a cute hat.” “You're an interesting person.” "I respect you." If she smiles – head right for that exit sign. Ever seen William Friedkin's cinematic adaptation of William Blatty's 1971 novel The Exorcist? Torrent it, dude. Torrent it.
5. The Deal Railway Station Girl
This one needs little explanation. If the Deal Railway Station Girl were really a train station, she'd be the one that serves Deal, in Kent, England. She'd be on the on the Kent Coast Line ten miles northeast of Dover Priory, about ninety miles southeast of Charing Cross. She would have originally been a terminus that opened in 1847, and she would have been one of the last stationpoints to retain semaphore signals. She would have appeared on an episode of the BBC series “Great British Railway Journeys, Series 2.” Many Deal Railway Station Girls would be electrified at a rate of 750 volts DC. Unless you're really into British Rail’s Kent Coast Electrification Scheme, do yourself a favor: stay away. Again, this is bro to bro.
6. The Baby-Wanting Girl
Typically, the Baby-Wanting Girl wants to have a baby at some point in her life. There can be many reasons for this, among them biological human reproduction. Doesn't matter. The point is, whereas the Depeche Mode Girl speaks incessantly and solely about David Gahan, baritone lead singer of English pop group Depeche Mode, the Baby-Wanting Girl is prone to think about having a child – especially when she's in a fulfilling relationship with someone she loves. How to recognize the the Baby-Wanting Girl? Well, one way to do it is to do this thing called “listening.” “Listening” is different than “hearing.” You know how sometimes a girl's mouth will open, and noise comes out? A lot of times, when that happens, what she's doing is this thing called “pronouncing words.” Normally, these “words” are detected by an auditory receptor that responds to changes in the pressure of the surrounding medium, through “time.” However, if this data is transmitted to the brain for cognitive processing, before you know it, you're “listening” to her “words.” If these “words” resemble statements like “Have you ever thought of having a child?” or “Someday I would like to have a child” or “I love you and would like to have a family someday” - especially if you've been in love for a while - get the @#$^@#^* outta there, bro! Life is about choices.
7. The Discodoris Stellifera Girl
We all know the Discodoris Stellifera Girl – she's the dorid nudibranch sitting at the bar, waiting for her Caramel Macchiato, Venti, Skim, Extra Shot, Extra-Hot, Extra-Whip, Sugar-Free at Starbucks, checking her phone, texting a friend, going clubbing, talking about the latest cool restaurant, or reading the Observer. She's in the family Discodorididae. Unlike the Needy Girl, she's not human. Instead, she's a marine gastropod mollusk. She's not going to change. Don't get your heart broken, over and over again. She has no shell. She doesn't know who David Gahan even is. Every single one of us has made mistakes with the Discodoris Stellifera Girl. Never again. Remember, it's not your fault. She's not human. She's a mollusk. Don't spend too much time thinking about her. Forgive, forget, and move on. Believe me, bro, she'll be fine. She's a gastropod. Enough said.
8. The Miss Feminist Girl
This girl postulates that women should have opportunities in things like education and employment that men have. She believes that women are angelic, God-given creatures who should be able to vote, drive a car, and learn stuff. You can easily identify her by her incessant mantra, "All women should have opportunities in things like education and employment that men have." Wah, wah. True, a woman with verbal confidence can be a catch. But when Miss Feminist starts going on about how women should have maternity leave, it's time to stand your ground, bro. Which means “turn and run as fast as you can,” obviously.
9. The Elizabeth Báthory Girl
NYC is crawling with all types of celebrities - from actors, to athletes, to musicians, to disgraced politicians, to other actors, to Lindsay, to bankers, to models, to rich people, to other people, to people who do stuff, and everything like that and like so. (And also girls who do other stuff at the same time, and ride the subway, and eat food, and do tech stuff, and consult and everything like that, and go to co-ops and eat vegetables and have been to Berlin, etc.) So, beware: there might be a few loose screws in this town. The Elizabeth Báthory Girl isn't just a nocturnal, uppity 17th century Hungarian countess: she's the most prolific female serial killer in history. She's killed perhaps as many as 700 victims and is said to have bathed in the blood of virgins in an attempt at eternal youth. It’s really f*cking rude. Dudes, if you encounter this girl, excuse yourself and leave. She will likely not even notice you’re missing – even when the check comes. She rarely changes her habits, so get used to it (if you’re lucky). Sure, it’s an ego boost to get attention from a Hungarian countess, and it makes for a great story; but unless you’re just doing it for an interesting anecdote in your future memoirs, it’s best to avoid the Elizabeth Báthory Girl.
10. The Elizabeth II Girl
Don’t be fooled. Not to be confused with the Elizabeth Báthory Girl, the Elizabeth II Girl is the kind of New York girl that is the constitutional monarch of 16 sovereign states and their territories and dependencies. It's a horrible thing to say, but - unlike the Depeche Mode Girl - she's the Supreme Governor of the Church of England and, in some of her realms, carries the title of Defender of the Faith as part of her full title. She's been really into herself since 1952, when she became Head of the Commonwealth and queen regnant of seven independent Commonwealth countries. Her reign of 61 years is the second longest of any British monarch in history. How long can a guy can hear about how her father acceded to the throne as George VI in 1936 on the abdication of his brother Edward VIII, from which time she was the heir presumptive? Um, “insecurities,” anyone? She will deny her obvious issues. Run, don't walk.
11. The Female Human Girl
A broad category, the Female Human Girl has two copies of the X chromosome, mammary glands used to feed the young after birth, and she's capable of bearing live young. In the harsh reality of today’s world of dating, women exercise these privileges repeatedly. Stay away from the Female Human Girl: it’s almost impossible for her to live up to any fantasy you’ve imagined in your mind.
This response to http://elitedaily.com/women/11-guys-to-avoid-in-nyc-and-in-general/ was written at Starbucks on 53rd and Lexington while waiting for Al to call me back. Al, call me back.
